Q & A Time: Girlfriend hurt by porn. Really?

"My girl has found pornography on my computer and is hurt and mad. How do I convince her that this is unrelated to my feelings for her? Do you advise giving it up? If so, what are some strategies for quitting?"

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Giving it up? What kind of man would subject himself to such torture? A guy in love I guess. But love does not get rid of hormones, and by golly you've got a lot of them. It really depends on how much porn usuage you do. Is it once per day, twice on weekends? Or is it more excessive, say.. three to four hours a day? You'd rather have sex with her than whack it off to asian lesbian schoolgirls, right?

For the sake of this advice, I'll assume you do it as normally as any other guy.

I think a lot of women feel hurt by pornography because they think they should be enough. Women have lower testosterone levels, so they don't understand our male need to get one out once a day. Let her know that the pornography is just so you can deal with fantasies, such as if you're with a black girl, you want to see a white woman. Or on day you want to see latino girls. Or maybe Switzerland Girls Gone Wild!!! Whatever the case, you have interchanging sexual needs and desires that change on how you're feeling that day. This is something no woman can keep up with, nor should they. Honestly, pornography is a woman's friend, not enemy. A man can live out his weird or random sexual fantasies by himself with a screen or magazines, without putting his woman on constant request to fulfill all of those needs. That's another thing. It's just pictures or video, you're not actually with them nor do you want to be. 

Desire. That's what it comes down to. Women need to feel desired-- feel wanted. As long as she feels just as desired with the passion you give these models, then she wouldn't care so much about what you do in the bathroom.

The best example I could give to explain it to your girlfriend is through shoes. Just because she gets off to shopping and shoes in magazines, doesn't mean she loves you any less. And just because you look at boobs in magazines doesn't mean you love her any less. It's the same thing. (Okay probably not, but it sounded good to me)

Is your girlfriend secure with herself and body? Because if she isn't, she would get jealous that you're masturbating to thin waisted, big boobed modelesque types that she can not even compete with. She feels inferior, and gets mad at you for not liking herself. 

You know, your girlfriend could be feeling all these things plus the added trust factor. "Why did you hide it from me? I thought we could be honest with each other and hold nothing back?" Her not understanding how horny men really are, feeling the need to be desired and insecure, will all be topped off with the nice little lying cherry on top. She may be feeling a bit betrayed. You weren't honest with it because you knew she'd act this way (makes you wonder why be honest with it?), so now you're screwed. Not by her though, because she won't be screwing you for awhile. This is the time more than ever you need your stash, but that would only fuel the problem. 

In conclusion...

1) See a couple's counselor so she can understand why you desire porn (whether it's fantasies, releasing hormones, or you just got off work and wasting twenty minutes on foreplay before you can get off makes you feel like you never left the office) 

2) Have her read my post.


~ Anthony

Q & A Time: It's not me, it's you. Or maybe it is me?

"This might sound like a stupid question but i'm being totally serious.
I've been thinking about all the girls that i've dated throughout my life. I seriously feel that, each in their own little way, they've been CRAZY! Each one of them has some kind of quirk wrong with them that seriously seems like some form of insanity.
Is this in all women? Or am I just simply attracted to the crazy ones?!"

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"Is this in all women? Or am I just simply attracted to the crazy ones?!?”

Umm, both? Ha ha. It's not just women. Everyone has their own quirk. But you may be referring to more than a quirk, like something obsessive. Women are known to be more neurotic, but that's really only the case if they haven't worked on themselves. When a person looks internally, figuring out who they are and what they want from life, they'll be a lot more mentally stable.

I'm glad you acknowledged the possibility you're the real problem. If all the girls you've dated have some sort of issue, then the common factor with all of them is you. You might not be attracted to the crazy aspect of a woman, but attracted to others qualities that usually only come from irrational beliefs in a woman. Let me explain.

Some women are extremely sexual and need constant physical attention. As a man, you may like that... a lot! But the reason they need so much physical attention is because they subconsciously need attention in all areas of life due to a lack of attention as a child. So, yes she's attached in bed, but also attached in the rest of your life. She will be extremely jealous of your friends (especially those of the opposite sex), have emotional moods swings like no other, and be really clingy. So you're attracted to her tremendous sex drive, but that comes along with the other unhealthy attitudes she has towards relationships.

The best thing for you to do is see a therapist and find out the commonalities between what's been wrong with all your girlfriends. Then you can see what really attracted you to each of them. Finally discover, if at all possible, if the traits you were attracted to are connected in any way to the traits you don't like. Then you can create a compromise of, let's say, a little less sex drive in exchange more a little more sanity? How does that sound?


~ Anthony

Q & A Time: An Affair Next Door

"One of my good friend's husband is having an affair with their neighbor. Their kids play together. I have evidence of this and have seen them together. Should I tell my friend? and what should she do?"

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Wow, that sucks for you. Here you are minding your own business, and thrown into this moral dilemma. Sorry about that. 

But since you have to deal with it, let's look at your options:

1) You don't tell her.
2) You do tell her.
3) Pay someone else to tell her.

Ha ha, okay, okay. You need a bit more detail than that.

1) By not telling her, the lie continues. Her husband keeps cheating, she continues her nieve belief that her marriage is all rainbows and unicorns, and the kids grow up confused why daddy gives the neighbor CPR when mommy's not around. So if you're okay with that, then that's your call. I won't think more or less than you. 

There's also the chance you don't tell her, and she finds out a couple months or years later, and is heartbroken. At first she's angry at her husband, but then at you for not telling her about it. She'll feel betrayed by two people. 

2) By telling her, at first she'll most likely inappropriately direct her anger at her husband towards you. She may even go into denial and accuse you of being crazy because she can't face the possible truth that her husband is having an affair with the girl next door. After a couple days or weeks, she will be grateful you let her know so she can deal with her broken marriage. She'll realize it's better she knows now than five years from now, coming home from work early to have lunch with her husband only to find that her husband has already had his fill with the neighbor. 

In my opinion, I say tell her. She'll be really hurt by it, but she'll thank you for it. You have to ask yourself, would you want to know?


~ Anthony

Q & A Time: "My husband seems to be re-living his 20's again....yikes!"

"My husband recently befriended a new colleague at work that I really don't care for. My husband is 41 years old and his new friend Chad is 25 and unmarried. My husband has always acted a lot younger than his age and I always tease him that he has Peter Pan syndrome. I don't believe that Chad is a good influence on my husband. They have been going out to the bars together and supposedly my husband has been helping him find some dates. Well, Chad is a very good looking young man, so I don't think he needs my 41 year old husbands help...LOL! My husband seems to be re-living his 20's again....yikes! Is he going through a mid-life crisis? I am worried that he is going to find someone younger and he will leave me. How should I confront my husband about this? I know he is a grown man and he should be able to choose his own friends, but I feel this is ruining our relationship."

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"I feel this is ruining our relationship."

Actually, it's ruining YOUR relationship with him. Since you haven't brought this up with him, he thinks your relationship is as great as ever!

Your husband may be going through a midlife crisis, but you have known that he acts a lot younger than his age, so maybe hanging out with twenty-five year old colleagues is a natural extension of his personality. You seem concerned he's going to leave you for some hussy he finds at a bar while trying to hook up Chad, but I wouldn't worry about that. One a side note, just because Chad is handsome, it doesn't mean he has no trouble meeting women (or at least a good woman). He could be really shy or doesn't know what to say (and that's where your husband comes in). Back to why you shouldn't be worried...

Your husband loves you. Even if he is going through a midlife crisis (not sure that he is), I would talk to him about how you're feeling. Tell him you're worried he'll leave you for some coyote ugly and that makes you scared. I'm sure he'll calm your nerves by letting you know he is only having fun hanging out with a co-worker, and has no plans now or ever to leave you because you are the on for him.

After a heart to heart talk with your husband, you'll be feeling better in no time!


~ Anthony

How come SOME Women.......?

"never STFU ??

I think it may be my biggest Pet Peeve, no matter how much I like a woman if she doesnt know when to STFU than she will annoy the hell outta me, why cant some people seem to understand that not everything needs to be verbalized???? Why cant they just think in thier damn heads and stfu sometimes???

I understand that communication is important, however sometimes silence is Golden and I find intelligent women who realize this to be very sexy and I get along with them much better, also if two people understand one another than I dont think they need to be constantly talking about every little thing."

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I read that off of a guy asking a question on Yahoo Answers!.  Sure it's blunt and rude, but it's damn funny.

Q & A Time: Clingy Girlfriends--why God, why!?

"I really love my girlfriend, and she gives me more attention than I could ever want, yet sometimes it is too much. She doesn't understand when I say I need space. I am the type of guy that needs to close off from the world for a bit sometimes. She thinks it's because I don't like her, but it is because I need time to myself. I have told her that I just need time to myself once in a while, but she doesn't seem to understand, and misconstrues that as me needing even more attention to feel loved. What do I do?"

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It sounds like you're an introvert, like me. I completely understanding needing your own time to shut down, regroup and energize. The reason she doesn't understand that is probably because she's anxious-ambivalent. 

Anxious-ambivalent people are raised by their parents with care sometimes, and no care other times. An example is of a mother who's an alcoholic. Sometimes she's there to take care of the child, and other times she's too drunk or in rehab so she can't care for the child. The baby learns that sometimes people will be there for her, and other times not. Sometimes she can trust others, and sometimes she can't. This leads to her being clingy and in need of constant attention because she's afraid of you leaving and abandoning her. She believes if she physically and emotionally clings onto you then you can't leave.

The problem is that when you need time to unwind and leave for awhile (and by awhile I don't mean a week, I mean a day or even an hour) she misconstrues that as you getting ready to abandond her. So, she freaks out and latches onto you even harder to prevent you from breaking her heart. 

The irony is, the more attached she gets, the more you want to pull away. The more you pull away, the more attached she gets. It's a constant back and forth and I'm sure it must be exhausting. My best friend went through the exact same situation. She eventually got somewhat over it and gave him more space, but that was after two years of dating. I honestly don't have advice to give you on how to change her psyche, I can only help you understand what's going on with her.

Q & A Time: PDA AWOL

"My boyfriend is a very sweet man, and is very romantic...when at home. But in public, he turns into this cold shell of what I have come to love, and gives me nothing. He refuses to kiss me in public, even if no one is around. He won't even hold my hand. Yet, when we are in the privacy of our own home, he is the most loving man I have ever met. How do I try to convince him that some display of affection is okay in public? Am I wrong to try to change his view?"

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Honestly Sally, there could be a few tips that might open him up to PDA, however it's really a personality issue. Maybe he was raised watching his father be the same way with his mother. Perhaps in previous relationships with insecure women, they scolded him for displaying his affection in public because they were embarrassed by him and didn't want other to think she settled. He could also be a gentleman from the South and feels showing his love should be a private matter. Or simply he could just be a reserved guy who feels uncomfortable and judged if he shows feelings in front of others.

I have to say this is who the man is. If you are not okay with it, then you may have to reconsider the future of this relationship. If you feel it's not that big of a deal, then I hope the best for you two.

Q & A Time: Boyfriend lies.

"I caught my boyfriend lying about certain things. I didn't say anything because they were really unimportant. But it still bothers me because it makes me wonder if he is lying about other things as well. I don't think he would cheat on me, but the things he lies about aren't even necessary. I wouldn't even get mad at him if he told me the truth. So, I wonder if I should say something. Because recently it has become more of a pattern. Should I say something, and if I do, what do I say? Please help."

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First off all, because of your boyfriend's increasingly lying behavior, your relationship lacks trust. A relationship that lacks trust is like a car that lacks tires, it's not going to go very far. 

I encourage you to say something because this isn't a problem that's going to go away. I would sit him down and ask him seriously why does he lie about certain insignificant situations? Be sure to name two or three examples so he knows exactly what you're referencing. (For example, start with, "Remember last week when you said _____, and it was really ____?")

Let him know how it makes you feel when he lies. Say, "I feel sad, upset, or afraid when you lie. In makes trusting you more difficult." Please do not blame the guy. For all you know, he could tell white lies because he thinks it's funny, but he would never lie about serious issues. Innocent until proven guilty--the American Way. 

After you give examples of his lies and tell him how it makes you feel, ask him why he does it. His answer could be, "I don't know, I just do." That's not good enough. Probe further by asking him, "Why do you feel it's necessary to lie about little things? What do you get out of it?" Okay okay, I'm starting to sound like Oprah, but the more specific the question the easier it will be for him to answer. 

At the end of the conversation, ask him to please tone down the lying so you would feel more comfortable trusting him again. If you command him with "Stop lying right now or I'm leaving!" then you threaten him with an ultimatum and his voice becomes unheard. He'll get defensive and then start blaming you. So don't ask that he goes cold turkey, just to bring it back a little. 

Good luck with your conversation and be sure that if he listens to you and starts to tell the truth more, you give him positive reinforcement for his behavior. If he sees that you're more affectionate and nice to him because of him lying less, he will be inclined to continue to be truthful.

~ Anthony

Q & A Time: Why won't you sleep with me!?

"In my last relationship my girlfriend of three years always complained about me staying up late working. She said that for a couple to stay in love they should go to bed together. I never understood this. Wouldnt a woman feel more comfortable and secure knowing her man is working hard to provide for a future for them rather than than rather than packing it in early to sleep????"

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I think what she meant by you two "should go to bed together" was her hinting that you do not spend enough time together. If she put so much emphasis on going to bed with you, it means she wanted to make up quality time that she didn't get throughout the day since you were working. People who get enough attention during the day don't care so much about how much intimacy they get before their zzz's because they were already fulfilled.

As to your second concern, of course a woman wants to feel secure knowing her man is working hard to provide for both of their futures, but we aren't just talking about any woman; we're talking about your girlfriend (or rather, ex-girlfriend). You make it sound like an all-or-nothing situation when it doesn't have to be. I bet your philosophy in life is go big or go home.

You could've talked to her regarding some type of agreement. Why not Monday through Thursdays you can work late as long as Friday through Saturday you spend time with her before you sleep? If you came up with a compromise, you both would have been better off. You felt the need to work hard and make money, while she felt slightly neglected and needed more bedtime attention. The concession would ensure each person got what they needed.

For your next relationship, think more middle ground solutions and you and your girlfriend will be much happier.

~ Anthony